Realisations of A Highly Masked Nuerodivergent Artist

My mind sorts, categorizes, and justifies. As a neurodivergent person, I crave freedom in creativity, yet I cling to structure, fearing what might emerge if I let go.

I think my art is also masked. Just like my feelings and thoughts are intellectualized out of habit, so is my art. It has to be a certain way, make sense, etc. I am scared of experimenting, scared of being spontaneous with colors, techniques, and media. And I keep associating reasons with it, like I am too busy, don’t have time, or have so many other things to do instead of experimenting. But all I am is too scared.

I am scared that I will make bad art. Scared that it will not make sense, and it will make me feel worthless or question my ability.

I am masking consciously. My therapist says that it protects me. But it is also holding me back from producing real, authentic art (maybe crappy, but also original).

I go to museums and art galleries and stare at artworks—great ones and lesser-known ones too. I see some really great work online, and I am in awe of such wonderful art. Someday, I wish to reach that level. But it also makes me think that I am not painting like a fearless child—one who is not yet influenced by the ways of the world, not worried about social or familial validation, not worried about being branded as a bad artist. I like to call myself an artist, but all I feel like is an impersonator, trying to reproduce art influenced by others instead of listening to my own voice or following my basic instinct.

Sometimes, I put aside all these strong feelings and just get down to painting. But many times, as I go about my day, I am haunted by this thought of not making authentic art.

My immediate concern is how to shed this mask (that I have trained myself to put on as a mechanism to protect myself), how to let go of the control of my own thoughts, and how to feel safe enough to express myself freely.

I know that my art will be my catharsis, but how do I reach that point?

As an afterthought, I know I’ll get there, and until then, I’ll keep making art.

Find art inspiration on my Instagram account. Happy art making!